Other Lutheran Parodies

By Les "Gutenberg" Stahlke 

In the Lutheran Comedy Classic: 

"Martin Luther's Last Surviving Classmate" 

Look!

Look and see!

See Luther run!

Run, Luther, run!

Luther ran!

Oh, oh!

It is raining!

It is pouring!

See the lightning!

Hear the thunder!

See Luther get scared!

See Luther hide under that big tree!

See Luther pray to St. Anne.

"If you save me," prayed Luther, "I will become a monk, okay?"

"That's okay with me," said St. Anne, "but if you don't get out from under

that tree, you will be a friar!" 

Oh, oh!

See the lightning hit the tree!

See the tree get rent asunder!

"Ach! Yammer!" said Luther.

See Luther clearly define Law and Gospel.

See Luther go to a monastery.

See Luther learn that indulgences are wrong.

"Wholly unnecessary, Batman," said Luther.

See Luther write 95 Theses.

See Luther nail the Theses to the church door.

See Luther bang his hammer.

Bang your hammer, Luther, bang your hammer.

See Luther bang the wrong nail. "Uff dah!" said Luther.

Oh, oh!

Now the Pope is mad.

See the Pope send Luther an angry letter.

It is a Papal Bull.

"That is a lot of bull," said Luther.

See Luther barbecue the Pope's Bull.

"You burned my Bull," said the Pope.

Now you will have to go to a Diet of Worms.

(A Diet is a long synodical convention with no meals.)

Oh, oh!

See King Charles tell Luther to shut up.

"I can't," said Luther.

"Then recant," said King Charles.

"I can't recant," said Luther.

"Then go start the Missouri Synod!" said King Charles.

"Oh, goody," said Luther, "now I can get married."

See Luther look for a wife.

See Luther find nun.

See Luther and Kitty get married.

See Kitty get morning sickness.

"What does this mean?" said Luther.

"We shall have a little Lutheran soon," said Kitty.

"Is this true," said Luther, "or are you just ribbing me?"

Kitty said, "This is most certainly true."

 On Jordan's bank the Baptists cry. 

If I were Baptist, so would I. 

They drink no beer; they have no fun. 

I'm glad that I'm a Lutheran! 

Original by Don McLean; 

Parody by Cynthia Strieter, 2010

VERSE 1 A long, long time ago 

We must all remember 

How the Reformation got its start 

A boy to Hans and Margaret born 

Was baptized on the following morn 

The child of the Luthers was named Mart 

Young Martin Luther got the call 

When a lightning bolt caused him to fall 

He sold his books for law school 

And took up studying God’s rule 

He entered the monastic life 

In the peaceful Erfort countryside 

And something touched him deep inside 

The day he took those vows 

REFRAIN 1 My, my this here Lutheran guy 

May be famous, but he’s dangerous 

And a thorn in our side

Them good old boys at the Vatican cried, 

Saying, “Just recant or you will be tried” 

He said, “Here I stand, I won’t be denied” 

VERSE 2 He started on his quest with love

 And the utmost faith in God above 

He let the Bible be his guide 

But he stood up to the monks who told 

That works could save your mortal soul 

And tried to teach, “By grace we’re justified” 

Well he said John Tetzel was a crook 

‘cause of the indulgences he took 

Then late one Halloween night 

He gave the Vatican a fright 

He nailed his Ninety-Five Theses to the door 

Never meant to start a holy war 

But this is what he was called for 

The day he took those vows 

REFRAIN 1

VERSE 3 Archbishop Albert with the Pope 

And Cardinal Cajetan all spoke 

‘bout Martin Luther’s heresy 

So they called him back to Rome to see 

If a Diet of Worms could ever be 

Enough to make him stop his blasphemy 

He was ex-communicated then 

By a jury of his former friends 

The courtroom was adjourned 

The verdict was returned 

And while Martin left that day from Rome 

To Castle Wartburg, his new home 

He recalled the fervor he had known 

The day he took those vows 

REFRAIN 1 

VERSE 4 (VERSE 6 in the original song) 

He met a girl who’d been a nun 

And escaped the convent on the run 

Katharina Bora was her name 

In Wittenberg as man and wife 

Mart ’n’ Katy started their new life 

And pretty soon six new Lutherans came along 

Now the printing press was all the rage 

And Martin’s words were on each page 

The Word was also spoken 

For the rules had all been broken 

And the three that he admired the most 

The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost 

Were praised with an angelic host 

The day he took those vows 

REFRAIN 1 

REFRAIN 2 They were singing, 

My, my this here Lutheran guy 

May be famous, but he’s dangerous 

And a thorn in our side 

Them good old boys at the Vatican cried, 

He said, “Here I stand, I won’t be denied”

By Cindy Strieter-Boland

Some boys like to rock it out and 

I think that's okay 

But if they can't say the Nicene Creed 

I just walk away

They can pray and they can sing 

But they can't see the light, that's right 

"cause the boy with the antiphons 

Can cantor and can acolyte, 'cause we are

Chorus: Singing in a liturgical church 

And I am a liturgical girl 

You know that we are singing in a liturgical church 

And I am a liturgical girl

Some like Advent, some prefer Lent 

That's all right with me 

if they can't spell "Epiphany" then I 

Have to let them be

Some confess and some obsess on

What they ought to pray 

Only boys that interest me can

Sing the Kyrie, "cause they are

Chorus

Chorus

Hymnals come and hymnals go

And that's all right you see

One day Matin’s all the fashion

Then it’s history, but still we're

Chorus

E.L.C.A. 

By Pr. Charles Henrickson, 2009

Tune: “Y.M.C.A.”

“Luth’ran”

Doesn’t mean quite the same

As what you’ve been

Taught to know by that name.

We’re removin’

All the scandal and shame

Of a church that stands for something.

Luth’ran,

No, you’re not misinformed,

Yes, it’s true now,

We commune the Reformed.

No forced union

Made us bow or conform,

Just a warm and fuzzy feeling.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

We have women in black,

Now there’s no turning back

To the hang-ups of dead white guys.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

You can set yourself free

From dead orthodoxy,

You can do whatever you please.

Luth’ran,

Won’t you please come along

To the Elca,

Where’s there’s no right or wrong.

In the Elca,

Heretics can belong,

They can teach at seminary.

“Luth’ran,”

But our fingers were crossed,

All our doctrine

Has been totally lost.

All that’s Luth’ran

Is what we have embossed

On our cards and stationery.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

We have women in black,

Now there’s no turning back

To the hang-ups of dead white guys.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

You can set yourself free

From dead orthodoxy,

You can do whatever you please.

Elca,

Where it’s very uncouth

And unwelcome

To say you have the truth

And where seldom

Is a word ever heard

To discourage sin or error.

Elca,

Where it’s all shades of gray,

I said, Elca,

Where it’s hip to be gay.

Our umbrella

Is as big as a tent,

There’s no need for you to repent.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

We have women in black,

Now there’s no turning back

To the hang-ups of dead white guys.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

It’s fun to be in the E.L.C.A.

You can set yourself free

From dead orthodoxy,

You can do whatever you please. . . .

Green Bean Casserole

By Pr. Charles Henrickson, 2010 

Tune: “Old Time Rock and Roll”

Just put those old roasters in a line

It’s time for potluck and the pleasure’s mine

Today’s menus can’t fill the old hole

I like that green bean casserole

Don’t try to make me eat your tofu

You’ll sooner get to see me eatin’ dog food

I’ll start headin’ for the church basement door

I like that green bean casserole

Still like that green bean casserole

That kind of eatin’ just soothes the soul

I wanna know what’s on my plate and bowl

Like that green bean casserole

Don’t want shiitake or a mango

I’d rather eat some foods whose names I know

There’s only one sure way to get me to go

Start servin’ green bean casserole

Call me Midwestern, call my palate poor

Say I’m a Luth’ran, say I’m no connoisseur

Today’s menus can’t fill the old hole

I like that green bean casserole

Still like that green bean casserole

That kind of eatin’ just soothes the soul

I wanna know what’s on my plate and bowl

Like that green bean casserole . . .

The Ballad of Matt Harrison

By Pr. Charles Henrickson, 2011

Tune: “The Ballad of Jed Clampett” 

Come and listen to my story about a man named Matt

A poor pulpiteer, Indiana he was at

And then one day Synod needed someone new

And Matthew they found and brought him to St. Lou . . .

“-is,” that is . . . Purple Palace, big IC . . .

Well, the first thing you know, ol’ Matt’s in Human Care

But then folk said, “Matt, find a higher chair!”

Said, “Koinonia and at peace we ought to be”

So they loaded up the structure, gave him the IC . . .

Halls, that is . . . Cubicles, mission boards . . .

Well, now “It’s Time” to say hello to Matt and all his team

And they would like to tell you folks, “We’ve got a threefold theme”

Witness, Mercy, Life Together are the things we ought to know

So let’s listen to our captain as he tells us now, “Let’s go!”

“Go,” that is . . . Gospel style, take the law off . . .

Y’all come back now, hear?

Five-Dash-Two (Has Anybody Seen My Church?) 

By Pr. Charles Henrickson, 2015 

Tune: “Five-Foot-Two (Has Anybody Seen My Girl?)”

Five-dash-Two,

Nice and new,

And oh! what that FiveTwo could do!

Has anybody seen my church?

Turned-up band,

Sleight of hand,

Church growth, on oath, ain’t it grand!

Has anybody seen my church?

Now if you run into

A Five-dash-Two

Entrepreneur,

Khaki pants

And wacky plants,

Bet your life there is no cure!

But could they grow,

Could they fool,

Could they, could they, look real cool!

Has anybody seen my church?

Valparaiso 

By Pr. Charles Henrickson, 2015 

Tune: “San Francisco”

If you’re going to Valparaiso,

You best beware the errors that they share;

If you’re going to Valparaiso,

You’re gonna meet some liberal teachers there.

For those who come to Valparaiso,

Some will find they’re in the Northwest there;

In the halls of Valparaiso,

Liberal teachers with errors that they share:

“Women’s ordination!

Sexual orientation!

Means revolution!”

“There was no real Creation!

What’s the new explanation?

Here’s the solution:

It’s evolution!”

For those who come to Valparaiso,

You best beware the errors that they share;

If you come to Valparaiso;

Soon you’ll find you’re in the Northwest there.

If you come to Valparaiso,

Soon you’ll find you’re in the Northwest there.

Milwauking Together

By Pr. Charles Henrickson, 2016 

Tune: “So Happy Together”

Imagine Synod-wide, I tried

I think about a wonderland

It’s really grand

To think about us unified

And holding hands

Milwauking together

If we should all go up and share a hug

And we say we are all agreed

And not say “Ugh!”

Imagine how the church could be

So very snug

Milwauking together

I can’t see me leavin’ for anywhere else

For all my life

Warm and fuzzy, buddy, my heart starts to melt

At no more strife

Diff’rent views, we disagree

No matter, let’s just all be nice

And let it be

The only way for peace is through

Diversity

Milwauking together

I can’t see me leavin’ for anywhere else

For all my life

Warm and fuzzy, buddy, my heart starts to melt

At no more strife

Diff’rent views, we disagree

No matter, let’s just all be nice

And let it be

The only way for peace is through

Diversity

Milwauking together

Blah, blah, blah, blah . . .

Diff’rent views, we disagree

No matter, let’s just all be nice

And let it be

The only way for peace is through

Diversity

Milwauking together

Milwauking together

Birds of a feather

Milwauking together

We’re walking together

Milwauking together

Walking together

Milwauking together

Milwauking together

2022, by EWB

To commune, or not to commune? That is the question— 

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer 

The slings and arrows of social demands, 

Or to lay down arms against that sea of troubles, 

And, by not opposing, end them? To close the door— 

To not commune—and by that act to beg we bring 

The heartache and the thousand natural shots 

That flesh is prone to—’tis a consternation 

Hardly to be wished! To open the door-- 

To commune, perchance to condemn—ay, there’s the rub, 

For in my sleep of death what judgements may come 

When I have shuffled off this mortal coil, 

Must give me pause. 

General Lutheran humor from various sources, found on the Internet and so forth.

• believe in prayer but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.
• like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.
• believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they don't notify them that they are there.
• usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
• feel that applauding for the children's choirs would make the kids too proud and conceited.
• think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing the peace.
• drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
• still believe that an ELCA bride and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage.
• feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.
• think that Garrison Keillor stories are totally factual.
• know that any Lutheran mother can give any Jewish mother a run for their money in the guilt department.
• feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
• still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color.
• consume some form of Jell-O at every holiday meal.
• think that peas in a tuna noodle casserole add too much color.
• believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.
• think butter is a spice.
• volunteer to shovel the sidewalk when the only open pew is up front.
• think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.
• hold family reunions in the church basement.
• understand that P.M.S. means "Post Merger Syndrome."

• It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
• You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can!
• The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight.
• All your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.
• When you watch a "Star Wars" movie and they say, "May the Force be with you”, you respond, "and also with you".
• You actually understand those folks from Lake Wobegon, MN. 
• It takes ten minutes to say good-bye.

• Charismatic: Only one. Hand's already in the air.
• Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
• Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
• Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
• Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
• Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
• Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
• Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
• Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, October 14. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
• Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
• Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.