Seminarian Humor--CTS

Produced by seminarians in Fort Wayne, starting in the 1980s

   Blessed insurance, from A.A.L. 

O what a pleasure, what glory to sell! 

To Lutheran suckers who think we're so good,

They don't know the truth, for us it's so good.

Refrain: This is our story, this is our song, Making our profits all the day long,

This is our story, this is our song, Making our profits all the day long.

The Blessed suckers, we've bought them off, 

Giving them scratch pads, the pencils and stuff,

If only they knew they'd paid for that stuff, They'd shove our pencils, right up our duff. (Refrain)

Our Blessed founder, Tetzel he's great! He taught us business, a buck how to make, 

Make them feel guilty don't give them the scoop, 

Don't tell the truth or on you they'll poop. (Refrain)

Blessed insurance, we're in control; we own the synod, it's heart and it's soul, 

Seminaries court us, purse open wide, Soon we will get you there's no place to hide. (Refrain)

1. Church Growth, Fuller Church Growth, 

What kinds of folks like Fuller Church Growth?

Fat folks, skinny folks, folks who climb on rocks; 

Tough folks, sissy folks, even folks with chicken pox

Love Church Growth, Fuller Church Growth! The Growth Folks love to see.

2. Friendly, happy church growth. We'll change our doctrine for our church growth. 

Cut the service and the sermon too, Entertainment, even dancing pastors too,

Love Church Growth, Fuller Church Growth! The Growth Folks love to see.

3. Surveys, and statistics, We knew God blessed us cause we're growing.

Mormons, Moonies and JWs too,

God must’ve blessed them, cause now you see they're growing too,

With Church Growth, Fuller Church Growth! The Growth Folks love to see.

4. Money, lots of money, Come give us money for our church growth.

Check books, credit cards, change and paper too. 

Give us money, or we’ll have no need of you,

For Church Growth, Fuller Church Growth! The Growth Folks love to see.

1. O, Arthur Just, when I in awesome wonder 

Consider all the lectures you have giv'n 

I too despair, I share your great frustration

The guys won't see the future breaking in

REFRAIN: Then sings my soul, "How long will you stay here? 

How great thou art, how great thou art." (Repeat)

2. Doctor Marquart, I mean Professor Marquart

You get them when they scarce know grace from law 

You count it gain if when they start with Pieper 

They'll just admit they still don't know it all. (Refrain)

3. And when I think of all the feuds and lawsuits

I wonder how Doc Scaer can take it in. 

And though he strives to do good exegesis 

His love of types won't ever let him win. (Refrain)

4. When Bill Weinrich through classroom doors doth wander 

And launches into tirades 'gainst the men

Most let it go right in and out through their ears 

Cause "Early Church" to them's just church at 10. (Refrain)

 I got my Jesus, Go git your own! I got my Jesus, I'm takin' Him home.

If you want Jesus, just open your heart. Make a decision, that's a good start.

CHORUS: 

Make a decision, make the right choice. If it is heartfelt, shout with your voice,

Go do a cartwheel, jump up and down, With arms a flailin', fall on the ground.

I got my Jesus, He's on my side; I got my Jesus, I won't back-slide 

When I am tempted, ain't got no fear; Get on my knees and just shed a tear (Chorus)

Jesus is waiting, Open the door. Jesus is waiting, Go sin no more. 

Slain in the Spirit, fall on the floor. Only to rise up, my head's really sore! (Chorus)

Now you found Jesus, that's good for you. Now you found Jesus, no need to feel blue. 

You can be happy, up lifted, and gay. Feel warm all over, since it’s goin' His way! (Chorus)

1. Just as I am, without one buck, But that Thy ladies cough it up, 

And that thou send'st me a big check, Adoption Church, I come, I come.

2. Just as I am and writing not, I get my fill of TV rot; 

To thee, whose letters gather dust, O Mother Church, I come, I come.

3. Just as I am, unable to preach; I said some things quite out of reach. 

But I liked to watch you squirm in your seats, O Field Work Church, I come, I come.

4. Just as I am, at my little desk, I'm not a pastor, not a guest; 

I am overworked, I need a rest; O Vic'rage Church I come, I come.

5. Just as I am, though tossed about, With many a conflict, many a doubt; 

I'll act conservative 'til I get out; O Placement Church I come, I come. 

1. My hope is built on nothing less Than this old cloth that's such a mess; 

I dare not trust another weave But just this fabric I believe.

Refrain: On this the Turin shroud I stand; All other ground is sinking sand.

2. Though marred by fire and then by rain It gets my honor all the same;

It clearly passed the carbon test, And also passed all of the rest. Refrain

3. I sent a letter off to Rome, To see if I could take it home, 

Their answer made me awful sick, I can't sell it as a relic. Refrain

4. Though it and I are far apart, I hold it dearly in my heart,

And when I feel I need it most, I pray toward the Italian coast. Refrain

  1. I was praying in the chapel, late one night, When my eyes beheld an eerie sight;

For up in the chancel, what did I see, But Dean Reuning, prancing frantically:

Refrain: It was the MASS! (It was the Latin Mass)

The Latin MASS! (It caught on in a flash)

It was the MASS! (It was the campus smash)

The Latin MASS! (It was the Latin Mass) Aah-oou, etc.

2. The next day in the chapel, after the hymn, 

The congregation hushed, the lights were dim,

When suddenly appeared the Reuning crew: 

The Father, Son Resch, and Paul Grime, too:

Refrain: It was the MASS! (It was the Deutsche Mass) etc.

The Deutsche MASS! (It caught on in a flash)

It was the MASS! (It was the campus smash)

The Deutsche MASS! (It was the Deutsche Mass) Aah-oou, etc.

3. Now the MASS is the campus rage! It's the liturgy that we all crave!

All you candidates, you vicars, too, 

When your congregations ask, tell them REUNING SENT YOU!

Refrain: And do the MASS! (Do the reine Mass) 

The reine MASS! (It caught on in a flash)

It was the MASS! (It was the campus smash)

The reine MASS! (It was the reine Mass) Aah-oou, etc.

Let me tell a story 'bout a man named Fred

A "poor Luth'ran teacher," barely kept his family fed

And then one day, he was teaching from the Word 

When down from the sky came a fluttering bird 

Dove that is, the Holy Ghost, the Paraclete

Well next thing you know, old Fred can speak in tongues 

He's doin' signs and miracles, just like Jesus done 

He thinks that he's a pastor, though some say he is a fool 

So they put him in his truck and send him off to school

Sem that is, CTS, Ft. Wayne?

The Schwaermerei Hillbillies....

Fred is in the parish now, his people do not know

He's been a charismaniac for 20 years or so

They like their friendly pastor, and they think he's doin' fine 

But they think his Sunday breakfast is a bottle of new wine

1. On a warm Monday morning In a class goin' nowhere

I met up with a sem four; We were both too bored to sleep

So we took turns a staring At the blackboard in the classroom

The boredom overtook us And he began to speak. 

2. He said son I've made a life Out of reading peoples' faces

And knowing what the cards were By the way they held their eyes

So, if you don't mind me saying I can see your out of aces

And for a taste of your coffee, I'll give you some advice.

3. So I handed him my thermos And he drank down my last swallow 

Then he bummed a cigarette And asked me for a light

Then the class got deathly quiet And his face lost all expression 

Said if your gonna’ play the game boy You got to learn to play it right. 

Refrain: You got to know when to hold them, Know when to fold them

Know when to walk away, know when to run

You never voice your opinion, when You're sitting in the classroom 

There'll be time enough for learning When the graduation's done.

4. Every student knows That the secret to surviving

Is knowing when to stay awake And knowing when to sleep

Cause every prof's a winner And every prof's a loser

And the best that you can hope for Is to die in your sleep 

5. And when he finished speaking, He turned back toward the Blackboard

He crushed out his cigarette And faded off to sleep

And somewhere in the lecture The sem four he broke even 

But in his final words I've found An ace that I can keep (Refrain)

You never close your eyes when you raise your hands to pray. 

And there's no fuzziness in the pit of your belly.

You’re trying hard not to show it, but baby, baby I know it. 

You've lost that holy feeling, oh that holy feeling.

You've lost that holy feeling. Now it's gone, gone, gone. Oh

Now there's no crazy look in your eyes when you're witnessing.

Now Girl, you’re starting to take delight in living.

It makes me just feel like crying cause baby something beautiful is dying.

You've lost that holy feeling, oh that holy feeling.

You've lost that holy feeling. Now it's gone, gone, gone. Oh

Baby, baby, I get down on my knees to pray for you.

If you would only act holy like you used to do.

You had a feeling, a feeling, a feeling you don't find every day.

So don't, don't, don't, don't let it slip away.

Baby, Baby, you gotta’ be sure. You gotta’ be sure.

You need a sign. You need a sign.

So bring it on back. So bring it on back.

Bring back that holy feeling, oh, that holy feeling. 

Bring back that holy feeling cause its gone, gone, gone,

And I can't go on. Oh(repeat).

1. Don't know much about theology, Can't do much Lutheran liturgy,

Don't know much about the Bible books, Can't remember any Greek I took...

But I know how to cooperate, Just so I can graduate;

What a wonderful pastor I'll be!

2. Don't know much about Church history, And Hebrew is Greek to me,

Don't know much about evangelism, Haven't really read my catechism... 

But I do know I'll receive a call, And hopefully I'll be installed; 

What a wonderful pastor I'll be!

Now, I don't claim to be a theologian, I'm not tryin' to be.

I think that maybe by wearin' these flashy clothes, baby,

I just might become D.P....

3. Don't know much about Lutheran symbolics, I spend my time with other alcoholics; 

Scaer tells me that my sermon's rotten, That's because I read Herman Otten....

But I know of the collection plate It's one thing I sure appreciate; 

What a wonderful pastor I'll be!

Pastor: It shakes my nerves, and it rattles my brain

Seein' a dove can drive a man insane It broke my will, oh what a thrill Goodness gracious, great balls o' fire!

(Refrain) Kiss me people! Bbbb...

Kiss me people! Bbbb...

You got to let me love you like enthusiasts do.

So fine! So kind!

I got to tell the world that you're mine, mine, mine, mine!

People: You healed our wives and anointed our sons

You raise your hands up with everyone

You broke your vow, RIM showed you how Goodness gracious, great balls o' fire!

(Refrain) Kiss me pastor! Bbbb...

Kiss me pastor! Bbbb...

You got to let me love you like enthusiasts do.

So fine! So kind!

I got to tell the world that you're mine, mine, mine, mine!

Pastor: I saw a vision and I told my D.P.

He said, "Let's keep it only 'tween you and me

And just don't speak, in tongues this week." Goodness gracious, great balls o' fire!

(Refrain) Kiss me people! Bbbb...

Kiss me people! Bbbb...

You got to let me love you like enthusiasts do.

So fine! So kind!

I got to tell the world that you're mine, mine, mine, mine!

1. Oh, come, all ye critics, higher but not lower. 

Oh, come ye, to party with Deutero-Q. 

Come and behold it, redaction at its very best.

Refrain: Oh, come let us redact it. Oh, come let us redact it. 

Oh, come let us redact it. Deutero-Q!

2. Highest, most perfect, method of text study, 

Descended from Julius Wellhausen's ideas. 

Son of the Q-text, now in print appearing! (Refrain)

3. Sing choirs of critics, sing in exultation, 

Sing all ye graduates of dear old Valpo. 

If it is written, we shall somehow change it. (Refrain)

4. DQ we greet thee for less than a dollar; 

Yes, I can have you for my very own. 

Wisdom of sem. guys, now in print appearing. (Refrain)

  It only takes a narc to get a rumor going

And soon all those around are glad they're in the knowing. 

That's how it is with gossip once you've experienced it 

You spread it 'round to everyone you want to pass it on.

What wondrous time is lunch when all the boys are buzzing. 

The profs begin to scheme, the students see what's looming. 

That's how it is with gossip, one you've experienced it; 

Among the guys it multiplies; you want to pass it on.

I wish for you my friend this private source that I've found. 

You can depend on him it matters not that he's bound 

I'll shout it from the mountain top I want my world to know 

Your private lives, (or maybe lies), I want to pass it on…

I'll send it off to Herman O. I want my world to know 

Your private lives, (or maybe lies), I want to pass it on.

 1. Come 'n listen to my story 'bout a man named Preus,

A poor sem prof by luck and not by choice.

But then one day when the synod fell apart,

He went off to Springfield to make a new start.

Seminary . . . president, that is . . . meet Dave Scaer.

2. Well the first ya' know brother Jack gave the word,

"I've got a plan that I know sounds bit absurd. 

You're off to Fort Wayne to replace all the libs,

For Saarinen's campus you've got first dibs!

Ducks & geese . . . flowering trees . . . green rocks.

3. Now ten years later old Preus had had enough,

He's chosen not to take any more of Ralph's old guff; 

He's gone to Indianapolis to beat Ralph at his game, 

And we only hope things will never be the same.

St. Louis . . . Purple Palace . . . Here we come!

4. Now it's time to say good-bye to Ralph and all his kin, 

'Cause we're going to make darn sure that Robert Preus will win.

Our platform is quite simple, and we think that it is true: 

“You don't work for your synod but YOUR SYNOD WORKS FOR YOU!!!” 

Sit a spell . . . take your collar off .. y'all come back now, hear?

1. Xerox and phone; loud clacking keyboards. Sing yet another meaningless verse.

Papers and grades; long droning lectures. Sing yet another meaningless verse.

REFRAIN: We write some really mundane things. But that's O.K. cause it's a new song.

2. Radar and gun; loud screaming siren; Sing yet another meaningless verse. 

Minnow and net; loud roaring bass-boat; Sing yet another meaningless verse. REFRAIN

3. Steroids and weights; product endorsements; Sing yet another meaningless verse. 

Lemons and deals; loud brash commercials; Sing yet another meaningless verse. REFRAIN

4. Sun drying hops, loud malting barley; Sing yet another meaningless verse. 

Water and yeast, natural bubbles; Sing yet another meaningless verse. REFRAIN

5. Bratwurst and beer, loud belching Germans; Sing yet another meaningless verse. 

Fish soaked in lye, silly Norwegians; Sing yet another meaningless verse.

  [REFRAIN, REFRAIN! PLEASE, REFRAIN!]

MYSTICISM

Jesus loves me, this I know, For my feelings tell me so. 

Word and sacrament won't do. He will come direct to you.

(refrain) I feel God's presence. (3x) So try hard, you can too.

CHARISMATICS

I can speak in tongues indeed. Five grand people I can feed. 

Healing I can do in bed, Even raise folks from the dead.

(refrain) Yes, I have blessing, (3x) Just like th'Apostles did.

SYNERGISM

I'm a synergist you see. My salvation's up to me. 

Monergism we resent. Sacraments just represent.

(refrain) I helped God do it. (3x) We both converted me!

CATHOLICS

John Paul loves me this I know, Virgin Mary told me so.

When the coins in coffer ring, Souls from purgatory spring. 

(refrain) Yes, I have earned it. (3x) Salvation! Who needs grace?

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE

Christian. Science is the key. This I know prenatally. 

Mary Eddy knows the way. Do what she says ev'ry day.

(refrain) Pain is unreal. (3x) And death is fiction too. 

MORMONS

I'm a Mormon you could say. I will be a god someday. 

What Joe Smith did never see, He wrote in his book for me. 

(refrain) I like bicycles. (3x) I ride mine ev'ry day.

MOONIES

Sun Yung Moon says it's God's will, One more advent to fulfill.

He has come for you and me. Really, it's just heresy.

(refrain) Let's all sell flowers, (3x) Just fifty cents apiece.

FAITH HEALERS

Kathryn Kuhlman does her thing. Speaks in tongues, does healing. 

Why do some folks leave still sick? "I just like to choose and pick!"

(refrain) Hey, I'm a phony. (3x) I cannot heal you.

PTL

Jimmy Bakker, did us in. Now he's living in the pen. 

Tammy Faye is full of hope. But we know she's just a dope.

(refrain) Send Jim a reference. (3x) He needs to make parole.

METHODISM

Methodism is the way. You get better every day.

John and Charlie were neat guys. They were Lutherans in disguise.

(refrain) Glad I am holy. (3x) It makes me feel so good.